Green Your Hangover

This week’s mission: An ecofriendly vodka gift pack and some meatless taco and burger mixes.

Low-Rent Umami

This week’s mission: a pseudo-healthy version of ground-beef stretcher, and a chemically enhanced mass-market cookie.

Crispiness Jihad

This week’s mission: An ice cream flavor I hadn’t tried yet and a controversial new candy bar.

Elf Ladies Like Mint Candy

This week’s mission: a mintier old-school candy bar, and a candy bar that’s actually an energy bar.

Pastry Puffs That Look Catered

This week’s mission: pseudo-elegant frozen pastry bites, and Wheat Thins with more fiber.

Mysteries of Tempeh Revealed

This week’s mission: a seasoned meat substitute, and fancified potato buds.

Italian Chefs Won't Weep

This week’s mission: frozen Italian dinners and microbrewed sodas.

Pomegranate Raspberry–Flavored Beer

This week’s mission: new hot-weather macrobrews.

Vote for Your Favorite Fake Fruit

This week’s mission: frozen veggies and fake meat to add to eggs, plus new Mountain Dew sodas.

From Tub to Mouth

This week’s mission: premade spreadable cheesecake filling and high-end mass-market soups.

Venial Vegetable Trickery

This week’s mission: a snack mix with Cheerios, and frozen vegetables with health claims.

A New Healthy Chip Concept

This week’s mission: Wish-Bone dressing with chunks, and healthier “popped” potato chips.

Oven Ready Turkey and Tofurky Roast

This week’s mission: way-too-quick-cooking real turkey, and a gussied-up vegetarian protein.

Kashi All Natural Frozen Entrées and Extra-Healthy Yogurts

This week’s mission: elegant frozen dinners and probiotic-boosted yogurts.

Will Salsa Conquer Processed Cheese?

This week’s mission: a sports drink aimed at the ladies, and lower-cal dishes from Taco Bell.