Oven Ready Turkey and Tofurky Roast

This week’s mission: way-too-quick-cooking real turkey, and a gussied-up vegetarian protein.

Bogus Butter Bake-Off

This week’s mission: sticks of fake butter, and protein pimped by a famous doctor.

Sexy Pink Tequila

This week’s mission: a healthier mass-market peanut butter and reposado tequila flavored with hibiscus flower.

Low-Rent Umami

This week’s mission: a pseudo-healthy version of ground-beef stretcher, and a chemically enhanced mass-market cookie.

What the Hell Is Ice Cream Soft Candy?

This week’s mission: Down-market candy gets a makeover, and a really bad idea for brand extension.

Steppin' Up Your Cheese Game

This week’s mission: frozen diet dinners featuring fruit, and classy cheese vehicles.

Bagel Felony

This week’s mission: Healthier rice/potato chips and cream cheese–filled bagel cylinders.

Snack Time for Lazarus

This week’s mission: superfood bars and stovetop comfort-food kits.

Get Healthy Real Easy

This week’s mission: two servings of vegetables in a powder and one in a soup.

Creamy Winter Buzz

This week’s mission: upscale takes on Baileys Irish Cream.

Deli Creations and Salad Spritzers

This week’s mission: personally assembled fake deli sandwiches and the Binaca of salad dressing.

McSkillet Burrito and International Delight Coffee Creamer

This week’s mission: McDonald’s new breakfast offering, and holiday flavored nondairy creamers.

What Is Chunk Light Tuna?

It’s not a species that sounds familiar.

Cheesy Italian-esque Hot Pocket

This week’s mission: doughy calzone-type treats and a desperate cranberry move.

Booze-Flavored Munchies

This week’s mission: potato chips flavored like beer and Bloody Marys, and fancier M&M’s.